


Love Me, Love Me Not...

by EpicMickeyX



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: AU where Merlin is the same in every timeline, Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Merlin breaks hearts and is tired, Merlin can switch genders, Merlin needs some TLC, Out of Character, Pining, Rejection, Unrequited Love, headcanons, kinda sorta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27250579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EpicMickeyX/pseuds/EpicMickeyX
Summary: The beginning of the end for Camelot started with a simple confession. A young, fair King wearing her heart on her sleeve for only a moment; offering a pale, pink lily to her most trusted advisor.Merlin's Clairvoyance couldn't have predicted the outcome of either King confessing their innermost feelings to him, and yet at the same time, he did.A Self-indulgent AU I wrote before Proto-Merlin was revealed.
Relationships: Merlin | Caster/Arthur Pendragon | Saber, Merlin | Caster/Artoria Pendragon | Saber
Kudos: 22





	Love Me, Love Me Not...

**Author's Note:**

> I had this written before they revealed Proto-Merlin for FGo Arcade...I'm willing to bet on twoish years Proto-Merlin will be added to mobile just like Da Vinci.
> 
> I will roll for her so fucking hard. I am already saving for regular Merlin because my dream is the Double Merlin, Cu Alter Meta. I have Cu Maxed out I just need the Caster!
> 
> I have very many Headcanons revolving around Merlin switching between forms seamlessly because he's half-incubus. He's a pretty powerful mage, I don't think it would be hard for him to appear as a woman. 
> 
> Just some thoughts.

The beginning of the end for Camelot started with a simple confession. A young, fair King wearing her heart on her sleeve for only a moment; offering a pale, pink lily to her most trusted advisor. 

"This most certainly must be a shock for you, I know I haven't been clear about my feelings with you but…" she tucked the lily behind his ear feeling soft silken strands of white.

"I'm in love with you, Merlin." Artoria had declared one evening, hidden away in a glade she'd found when wandering the woods. The Mage of Flowers could only stare in shock of her declaration. His clairvoyance hadn't warned him of this, it had never shown him a time when Artoria, his King, would confess her innermost feelings; days before she was due to wed Guinevere. 

He rejected her, what would a creature such as he know about love to begin with? A lifetime of excuses piling up and cleaving his King's heart in two;

"What would your people think of you marrying the likes of me? They still think you to be a man, your wedding to Guinevere is a necessity of you're to keep this ruse going." Merlin had clipped out, returning the lily to her hands. She was to be the King that would save Britain, her feelings for him were not part of this story, it hurt to see her cry so somberly.

"I understand. If it would be best, I would advise the both of us to forget this moment ever happened." Artoria smothered the lily, feeling delicate petals wilt in her grasp. 

"I'm sorry, Artoria." Destiny did not care for her feelings or his. Even though a part of him longed to be by her side, to hold her as he would a lover; he'd predicted the outcome of her destiny and he couldn't jeopardize it by falling in love. He was her advisor first and foremost, he couldn't cloud her judgement by showing him favor. 

Though in the coming months, his own judgement would prove to be wrong as Mordred rose to defy her father, barbarians ravaged the lands, and Artoria drew her final breath; leaving behind her bewildered Mage of Flowers. His clairvoyance had only done him so good, predicting the overarching outcome but not the build up, not the loss of a beloved King. So many factors had coagulated into her downfall, his rejection a blow to the heart she'd hidden well. 

Merlin had no idea the effect it had on her, thinking her feelings the fancy of a fickle youth, though he wasn't one to talk. He was only a decade or so older than her at her passing, though the effects of Avalon were beginning to skew time and space, years passing in the blink of an eye while he watched, waiting for any sign of her return.

What Merlin got was another chance, an altered timeline where Artoria was born, Arthur. This King had no secrets to hide, no gender constraints forced upon him by a misogynistic society hell bent on believing men to be the absolute.

The Merlin of this timeline...met an ill fate early on, before even having a chance to step in and guide the young man; a drunk of a wizard who only sought his fortunes, a liar and a cheat if Merlin ever saw one. Not born of a taboo union between virgin and Incubus, but of noble status struck by poverty. This Merlin didn't possess a drop of magic and was expected to raise this Arthur to be a just King? 

An outlandish idea, the Mage of Flowers lead him astray off the beaten path with fairy lights and enchanted winds, the Fae of this world could have him if they wished but Merlin cared little for the fate of a fake and easily replaced the role, taking the guise of a young, soft spoken but wise woman. 

It certainly gained the young prince's trust as well as King Uther's, a gentle teacher to help Arthur grow into a King beloved by his people. This time, Merlin would not fail, he was certain of his clairvoyance, Arthur would save this timeline's Britain and be the Ruler he was needed to be. 

He would love Guinevere and keep his Knights close at hand, they would be brothers in arms, the Round Table would stand strong. Merlin was confident in his predictions until a Summer's evening spent by the river, a young King and his advisor keeping each other company. 

"Merlin…" he saw the lily before the King had even begun to speak, voice a quiet tremble. How could this happen? Here? He had been distant all the King's life, never straying from his path, never entertaining idle fancies as he did with Artoria.

He had been lax with her, doting her with affections and treats, helping her escape lessons for afternoons of play and lazing about in the sun. He hadn't done any of that here. He had been kind but firm with Arthur all his life, so why of all things would the man still confess? Guinevere was his lady love, Merlin was supposed to appear sisterly, a matron of sorts. 

"I know this is sudden and I don't expect you to answer now," he laughed shyly, scooting closer to the Mage, appearing before him as a woman, older than him by a few years but still as beautiful as a moonlight night. 

"I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time now." The lily was tucked behind his ear and a warm hand cupped his cheek, Arthur's smile was divine, squeezing Merlin's thundering heart. Arthur had yet to ask Guinevere to marry him, if he delayed in his answer, then Arthur never would. 

"...why?" Why did this happen? How could this happen? Had he appeared as himself would Arthur have fallen for Guinevere properly? Was all of this his fault to be had? He had ruined yet another kingdom, condemned his King to another cruel fate. The slaying of a son, the pillaging of his lands, the bitter escape of death...Merlin had condemned them both. 

"You're the only person I can truly be myself around, you're so kind and gentle, my heart yearns to hold you close and protect you but I've seen you on the battlefield. You don't need protecting…we're equals." Arthur explained, expression turning to worry as tears began to form in the Caster's eyes. Merlin wondered where they came from, for who was he crying? 

Another condemned King whom his very existence had led them astray from their destiny; he'd hurt Artoria and she had suffered until the very end, heart tormented by Merlin's words and sudden distance. Here again, he was faced with a choice. He could reject and hurt Arthur, bid him to suffer until his death finally came. He couldn't accept Arthur's feelings either, it wasn't in his destiny to marry Merlin, a man hiding behind the visage of a woman, it was his destiny to marry Guinevere. 

Merlin panicked, bile in his throat as words failed him; he kissed Arthur, heart aching for the loss of Artoria and for the coming loss of Arthur, just this once he would be selfish for himself and feel the touch of the other. Destiny be damned, let him have this moment before he needed to stop it. Fingers threaded through silver hair, a soft moan bubbling up from Arthur which Merlin drank in heedlessly. 

The illusion Merlin had worked tirelessly to maintain buckled, he would end it here and now, there was nothing to be done. Weeks from now, Mordred would appear and Arthur would deny him...and the rest would soon follow. He pulled away with a gasp, stomach rolling violently, he hated himself, how cowardly he could be. Arthur's eyes widened, taking in Merlin's face no longer soft at the edges, no longer feminine. The Castor stood at full height, chest and shoulders broader than before, the distinct lack of breasts.

"...you can't love me because I'm not who you think it am." He bite out, taking his leave and returning to his tower. Nothing he could do now would stop the cycle of events from transpiring. It ended the same as Artoria, Arthur vanquished and slain by invaders...the kingdom grieving the loss of their beloved King, their hero. 

Time passed, Merlin watched the toils of Humanity, tried to aid them when the time came. Following the plight of Chaldea and it's only master, Ritsuka. It was easy, watching as if they were pieces in a game, his own lack of empathy aided in keeping his nose out things he shouldn't become too involved in. 

His tampering with Babylonia was a stretch even for his own abilities, but Ritsuka provided mountains of entertainment, stories and tales not even a seasoned writer could fathom. If Ritsuka's story ended there, then Merlin would be trapped in his own reality, alone; it wasn't something he was willing to entertain. 

So when the battle has ended and the Singularity repaired, he made a small promise that if Ritsuka should ever call for him, he would come to Chaldea and aid it. A little out of character for him but he would fancy the idea he could be heroic from time to time. 

Imagine his surprise, when he stepped out of the summoning circle, that it wasn't only Ritsuka present but also Arthur. An easy smile and greeting fell past his lips, ignoring the Saber in his presence, doing his best to appear indifferent. Arthur waited until Ritsuka was finished with her own greeting before stepping in, pulling Merlin away and a foreboding sense of dread seized the Caster's body, uncertain of where this would lead. 

In a secluded part of the facility, Arthur finally turned to face him,

"You never gave me an answer…" he murmured, hands clasping Merlin's gently.

"...what?"

"Before you left...you never gave me an answer. You ran away, I was so worried about you...even when I knew death was approaching...I wanted to see you." Arthur replied carefully.

"You must be joking- ha...that was centuries ago...you can't possibly mean that with everything you've been through the only thing on your mind was to ask me how I feel!?" Merlin hissed and Arthur gave a lopsided shrug followed by a shy grin.

"You left so quickly, I never even got to tell you how handsome you are. One second you were the cutest thing and the next I thought I had been struck down and sent to Heaven...you're very beautiful with your hair down like this." Arthur pushed his hood back, letting messy tangles of silvery hair loose.

"..." Merlin stared, surprised once again by another confession. 

"You... weren't upset that I'm a man?"

"Not really... weren't you always saying gender doesn't matter?" Arthur hummed thoughtfully,

"To Artoria! You never got that discussion!"

"Well. I do talk to Artoria. She's here too."

"...I know she is." Merlin grumbled, "I'm sure she doesn't want to see me. I broke her heart the last time we spoke."

"...I won't deny that…" 

"So why on Earth would you come to me asking for an answer! I broke your heart too-"

"No. You didn't." Merlin paused, eyes going wide while Arthur pulled his hands away and fiddled with something tucked away in his armor. A lily, pale pink and slightly wilted,

"I'm still in love with you. I have been for a very long time now, and had you not run away...I would have told you so then." The lily was tucked behind his ear again, delicate and soft, complimenting the pale flush of the Caster's cheeks.

"..." Merlin blinked, feeling hot tears forming again, 

"But...your confession…I condemned your kingdom to ruin! I condemned Artoria's-" 

"You didn't, my kingdom was always going to fail as was Artoria's...we weren't meant to rule forever." He stated with a smile,

"It wasn't meant to last...if our feelings are what led our kingdoms to ruin...then so be it." Merlin swallowed thickly and waited for the Saber to continue.

"Even had you told me that by falling in love with you, my kingdom would fail. I think I would have still fallen in love with you as selfish as that sounds." Arthur held him as if he were made of glass, as if his words would cause the Mage of Flowers to chip and shatter.

"How can you think that? You don't even know me! I was a false image, you're in love with someone that doesn't exist anymore, I was never the matronly sort! I played a part that was supposed to keep distance between us and yet-"

"I want to know you, get to know you. The real you, the you always kept hidden until you thought no one was looking..." Arthur shifted to cup Merlin's cheek and feel silken strands of white.

"I thought I was content but this opportunity has presented itself and I plan to act," Arthur drew a shuddering breath,

"Merlin, I'm in love with you. My feelings have persisted longer than I ever thought possible and I wish to court you." He paused taking in the awestruck expression of the Caster.

"You don't have to answer me now...or ever if that is what you want, but know that I will always feel something for you-" Merlin cut him off with a kiss. Destiny and fate be damned; he had suffered centuries of atonement and loneliness, shaming himself for his own selfish heart. If Arthur was going to deliberately stand in his path wearing his equally as selfish heart on his sleeve much like Artoria had, then it wasn't his fault for accepting after all this torment. 

Arthur didn't react immediately, the shock of Merlin suddenly in his space taking a few long moments to register before the King finally returned the kiss, hands tangling in silver trusses and gracing soft skin. His armor vanished in a shower of glittering sparks, pressing the Caster close into the silk of his shirt and broadness of his chest. Merlin whimpered while clinging to the Saber, the touch and feel of another so close made his heart pound erratically with euphoria.

He could have these feelings that had festered deep in his heart, he could act on them and didn't have to cast them aside in favor of a prophecy left unfilled. Arthur caught him when his knees buckled out from under him, the years he spent running and denying finally catching up to the half-incubus, succumbing to messy sobs and snivelling, he felt overwhelmed. Hollowed out and raw-

He would apologize to Artoria someday, beg for some shred of her forgiveness and try to explain himself; for today though, he would let Arthur kiss him sweet and touch him tender. Things a creature such as he didn't deserve, yet had still been given to him freely; he would devour them greedily as long as Arthur would have him. 

Merlin clung to the Saber desperately fearing what would become of himself if he let go, wrenching the confession from deep inside his heart,

"I love you, Arthur."

The sound that escaped him was akin to that of wounded animal tearing open old scars-

"I love you too." Merlin sagged, relief flooding through him as he pressed his ear to Arthur's chest, weeping, listening to the steady beat of his King's heart.

**Author's Note:**

> This was just a nice little oneshot I wanted to do because I liked the idea of Merlin suffering through two confessions and thinking that's was triggered the end for Camelot. Some angst if you will.
> 
> So if you've read the previous Arthur/Merlin bit you know I said I would write a sequel and I have and I haven't uploaded it because it's just alot. 
> 
> Like, I know I wrote it but I don't know where is comes from it just happens.
> 
> Leave a Kudos and a comment if you enjoyed ittttt. That would be so very nice.


End file.
